Thursday, July 16, 2009

Lost

I used to be a bit of an overachiever. For example, I wrote a thesis my senior of year of college. It wasn't required; I did it for fun and got a B. I entered a music performance competition during my junior year of college. I won. I was the first non-music major in the history of the award to win. I gave a recital in college. Again~I was not a music major. I did it for fun. I pushed myself to the limits in high school and college (law school, um not so much). I strived and achieved.

I've been looking for that me lately. I find myself bogged down with laundry, dirty cat litter boxes, fighting children, filthy floors. I miss the younger, happier me. Granted, I don't miss ALL parts of being younger, but I think what I miss the most is how, even though I was pushing myself all the time, I felt lighter. Of course I wasn't concerning myself with money, kids' health, money (you get the picture) then. My focus was on me and what I wanted out of my life, instead of focusing on the needs of everyone else.

I think I've lost my sense of self. I suppose it was somewhat inevitable, having four children in the last eight years. Children need constant care, support, love. And there's my marriage of almost eleven years. That also needs constant care, support and love. I'm finding that the care of me gets pushed aside to care for everyone and everything.

So I'm taking baby steps. I've been reading more. I scheduled a pedicure with some friends. I have my niece coming to help with the kids once a week so I can take a step back. I know that I'll never be the old me again, nor would I want to. But I want to find pieces of the old me and bring them back and make them fit with the life the new me created. I want to feel lighter and happier. I don't want to be lost anymore.

10 comments:

Jess said...

These all sound like great first steps toward regaining a bit of your sense of self. And I think wanting to do that and actively seeking it out is also a crucial step. Good luck!

AndreAnna said...

I'm very glad you're making time for yourself - its so important.

creative kerfuffle said...

oh k--i soooo understand what you're talking about. granted i haven't been doing it as long as you have, but i understand. i'm so glad you are finding bits of your self again. i think that parents get overwhelmed and taken over by being parents, not that we don't love it, but there is a sense of loss of self w/ that.
three cheers to your baby steps!

Kellie said...

So happy you're taking the steps to take time for yourself. You deserve it. You NEED it. It will make you feel so much better :)

Brooke Brown said...

Amen, sister. Staying home w/ the kiddos can take quite a toll. A complete flip from being in control of one life/your aspirations/your style & drive....to being in charge of multiple lives that all have different personalities, different interests, different motivators....that pop out without manners, social skills, patience (and w/o a manual of how to best parent each of these personalities). Talk about an uphill battle! :)

But, sounds like you're moving in the right direction! And, you're motivating me to schedule a pedicure myself! :)

Saly said...

IT's important to make time for YOU! (not that I have any room to talk)

Astarte said...

I think this is why so many women have depression. We're all encouraged to go out there and do!Do!DO!, and we DO, so when we fall into the mommy pit, it's an even worse fall. I am totally with you on this. I've been at home with my kids for seven years now, and until maybe this past year, I had no sense of self at all. Oddly enough, when I realized this, I got even more depressed. I'm hoping that working again, even part time, will help. Now that the kids are older, and I have a glimmer of a Self over on the other side of the chasm, it's like a tug-of-war. When they were little, there was no question that they came first, but now... I'm going to come first sometimes, too, dammit. Even if it's only in the line for the poptarts.

Robyn said...

I could have written this post myself (minus the 4 kids part). I feel like there's a constant struggle between being "mommy" and being "me."

I, too, have started taking back little things that I stopped doing when Bear was born. And, the key words are "taking back." No one is going to come up to me and GIVE me the free time to do what I'd like. So, I've been scheduling that time and telling Hubby he needs to be home so I can do it. And, he doesn't mind at all.

Good luck in getting yourself back. You're worth it!

Mike said...

You can still ... err, over-achieve with you baby, right?


Mike
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Amy said...

It's really easy to lose yourself when all you do is care for everyone else! Glad you are taking some steps to find *you* again! ;)