Changes

I've been drafting this blog post in my head on and off since last week. I have a tendency to write eloquently in my head, but when I sit down to type, it all comes out in a jumble. I haven't had a lot to say lately. Correction~I haven't had a lot to say that is really worth saying. Oh, I could complain about my husband's lack of a full April vacation, or that after a month the kids are still not adjusting to his schedule. But honestly, I don't want to. I don't want to complain about my kids, or my husband or anything. It just feels...wrong. In the wake of Maddie Spohr's passing, I've felt differently about my blog, my Twitter account, everything.

I've spent time in the last couple of weeks trying to imagine how Heather and Mike, people I "only" know thru their blogs, are coping with a silent house. I've tried to visualize my life without one of my children, to silence their voices when we're all in a room, and I absolutely cannot do it. I cry when I read tweets on Twitter, or blog posts that people have written about Maddie, Heather or Mike. Doug says I should stop reading, but I can't. I don't want to. I don't want to forget, because it could happen to any of us. We could be Heather and Mike.

So I'm taking my blog, and tweets, in a different direction for awhile. It's my small way to remember. I'll be around, commenting here and there. I'll post, but you won't hear me complaining about my kids or my life. I have so much to be thankful for and I'm trying to remember that. I don't want to regret things said or done. I want to enjoy my family, my life. I want to remember.

Thinking

I have spent much of the last week thinking. My heart is still so sad for Heather and Mike Spohr over the loss of their beautiful daughter Maddie. Her funeral service is tomorrow afternoon at 2:30 PST. Her family has asked that people wear purple in her honor and I will be doing that for her family. I have turned my Twitter avatar and my Twitter page purple. My blog is already purple. I have donated to Heather's March of Dimes page (and Mike has one too) and will be donating to the PayPal account that has been set up to help the family cover the expenses of burying their daughter. You can find both of those links if you click thru your feed reader to my blog; they are in my sidebar.

I have been DOING these things because they take my mind off how helpless I feel. Whenever I start letting myself THINK too much about what Heather and Mike are going through, I start to cry. Their little girl is gone and when I let myself think too much about it I feel sick. I cannot imagine not seeing one of my children ever again. I cannot imagine having to plan a funeral. If it is overwhelming to me, I truly cannot wrap my head around how Heather and Mike are managing. They have wonderful friends with them, like Casey and their friend Meghan has taken on the absolutely enormous task of coordinating all the information, the PayPal account and the service arrangements (please go to Meghan's blog for any and all information you might want; she has a "For Maddie" tab on her home page). The massive outpouring of love from the internets has been amazing for them, and the LA Times did an article about them yesterday (you can find it here).

So if I've taken anything positive at all away from this, it's that there is goodness in humanity. Heather and Mike have suffered a loss so unimaginable for most of us, yet we have banded together to support them. They're going to need so much support down the road. I know I will continue to be here for them in any small way that I can. After all, that is what friends are for.

Give your kids a little extra squeeze today for Maddie Spohr

I've been reading a blog called The Spohrs are Multiplying for about a year now. I found it thru another blog and was just taken in by the story of Heather and Mike and their little girl Maddie. Maddie was born prematurely, wasn't expected to live, and proved them all wrong. She turned a year old last fall. I followed their battles with RSV, her hospitalizations, her triumphs. I loved the photos they posted as Maddie has the best smile.

Maddie had been in the hospital for the last two days with more breathing issues. I woke this morning to tweets on Twitter that she had passed away and I just burst into tears. I cannot imagine losing a child. My heart breaks for Heather and Mike and their families. I cannot fathom what they're going through.

So please, if you can do anything today, hugs your kids a little tighter. And then go here to Maddie's March of Dimes page and donate (or to my widget in the sidebar).