She throws a look of disdain in my direction more times a day than I can count.
When asked to help with laundry/put away shoes/grab the jug of milk/pick her nose, she huffs and puffs. When asked to clean, she throws herself on the floor, flailing and screaming, then runs to her room and slams her door, usually yelling how I've "ruined her life".
When one of her siblings is bothering her, she resorts to hitting instead of using her words. She reads at a 5th grade level for crying out loud; I think she knows a word or two.
She's beyond exhausted with summer and heat and rain and siblings and moms with bad necks who can't even drive her to pick out her school supplies. She wants order, structure, not the laid back chaos of no rules that envelopes my home like a cloud in the summer. I know this. She knows this. School is 2 weeks away and she can taste the freedom that comes with 7 hours away from twin two year olds who take her toys and a four year old who is struggling with his own need for structure and friends and preschool fun.
She is my first baby. I love her so much. Some days I loathe her so much that it hurts. It hurts to say that my child is so self centered that she can't see beyond the end of her nose at times. It hurts to think that she'll never grow out of it and we'll always be at odds. Sometimes, when she's not watching, I stare at her and look for where I went wrong. What did I do to her that makes her hate me so much? Then I see her freckles and beautiful brown eyes and know she's my baby girl and this too shall pass. I hope it will.
Friday, August 14, 2009
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6 comments:
Oh good grief, I am not looking forward to this.
Boarding school. That's my imaginary plan with my imaginary money.
That must be so frustrating. For both of you I imagine. She may know lots of words, but it sounds like emotionally she's just not sure how to express herself. I hope when school starts things calm down a little bit!!
It will pass... and then it'll come back. And go away again.
Try to sneak a peek when she's sleeping - that's when it's easiest to remember WHY you love her so much, in spite of the things that drive you crazy.
Oh, this must be so hard. I have moments with my 18-mo old where I can't even FATHOM why she's acting as she is... I know it will get harder, but gosh. SO hard.
Hang in there... I'm sure it will pass.
It will pass.
Then it will come back.
... but then it will go away again.
I feel this about Josie frequently. I think it has to do with them being the first child. I have to remind myself that just because she's 10 doesn't make her anywhere near an adult, even though she can seem so mature at times, and it's usually me who has the unrealistic expectations based on what I remember of me at that age. It feels like shit when I don't even like my own kid for a day (or two or three), but I know it'll pass. It's going to happen with the other kids, too, but at least then you'll know what it is and maybe be able to ignore it.
i could have written this about the girl and she's 12. and the thing is? i want, so badly, for her not to be hateful and selfish and ungrateful. and sadly i long for her approval and love worse than a 16 yr old girl w/ her first crush.
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