Family

Saturday Doug and I traveled down to Boston. It was a gorgeous day, similar to our wedding day exactly eleven years earlier. Again, we were dressed in finery, off to celebrate another union. The union of my brother Eric and his new bride Alyssa.

Eric and Alyssa said their "I Dos" twice; once in August, surrounded by my parents and her parents, and then again earlier this month in Paris. Saturday night was the family and friend gathering at Mistral and it was such a lovely time. I got to meet all her family, some of whom I'm friends with on Facebook but hadn't met in person. I got to hear how much her family adores my brother. And I got to remind people how happy I am that Eric has Alyssa in his life.



It was a great night. We got to celebrate our anniversary while celebrating their wedding. Eric and Alyssa are just so perfect for each other and we're so happy she's part of our family.

Change of Heart

I started writing a post yesterday about my failings as a mother. About how no matter what I do, my kids don't listen to a damn thing I say. About how the kids fight me every.step.of.the.way all day long. About how I feel like I'm failing my kids by not setting rules that they can actually follow. Or some such drivel.

Then I got this on Twitter:

MicheleDan@kristins4kids Remember--none of us are perfect parents. Think how hard it would be on our kids if we were. We just have to be good enough. (If I knew how to actually copy my Twitter screen, I would have posted it that way. But I don't, so this will have to suffice).

To be honest, I did a mental rant-and-rave at this person after I got the message. I wasn't feeling good enough. I was feeling low. However, I had some time to digest what she was saying, and I realize she's right. I am doing the best I can possibly do for these kids of mine. Some days I do better than others. Some days I yell because they've emptied the entire toy shelf in the living room, and some days I just sit and watch them play with their toys and quietly ask them to put them away. Some days I have no patience for food/napkins/cups thrown on the floor and some days I remind them not to do that and ask them to pick them up themselves.

This morning started off much like yesterday did and I was getting really frustrated, again. Then somehow the kids settled down and there I was, reading books to Izzie, just the two of us. It was calming, reading silly Sandra Boynton books while she sat in my lap and snuggled against me. I could hear Drew and Annie playing nicely together and realized that it's not going to be peaches and cream, rainbows and glitter all the time. Sometimes it's going to be dark skies, cranky kids and cranky mama. Sometimes I won't be good enough. But I have to strive to be better, every single day. Not perfect, just better.

All Aboard the Bullet Train

Um, so it's been a couple of weeks since I blogged. Whoops. So, hop aboard the bullet train if you'd like to play catch up.

• Meg is loving third grade. The homework is too easy for her right now so I'm hoping things pick up in that department here post haste. We haven't gotten a single newsletter home from the teacher which is a letdown after last year's teacher sending us DAILY emails with PHOTOS!
• Drew started his last year of preschool last week (i.e. his THIRD year) and is really happy for the first time since he started there. He goes an extra day this year, and stays for lunch there each day. This year is all about kindergarten preparation. He's such a big boy (you know, except for the constant tantrums and lack of listening ears at home).

• I went back to the spine doctor earlier this month. In a nutshell, my discs are going to continue to deteriorate and my herniated disc will always be herniated, but if I'm not in pain then I don't have to see her or go to PT. I haven't been on any pain meds for a month so the Prednisone did the trick. I think I can live with that.
• The twins are on a nap boycott. To say that this sucks is an understatement. Izzie threw herself out of her crib AGAIN yesterday but at least she didn't break her collar bone again. Drew's new school schedule is a contributing factor as we're picking him up when they're usually going down for a nap, but even this weekend was the same~no nap. I may be turning to drinking earlier in the day if this keeps up.
• Apparently H1N1 (aka the Swine Flu) is going through Megan's classroom. I say apparently because there's been no official word from the school and it's all hearsay from kids in the class, but not from my own child. All of my kids have stuffy noses at the present time and I'm watching them like a crazy person for any sign of a fever.
• Doug and I are heading to Boston next Saturday to celebrate my brother's wedding. It will be fun to see him and his wife, as they've been in PARIS since September 1st. It's also our 11th anniversary that day so what a fun way to celebrate.
• Fall is almost here. The leaves are beginning to change, and the twins and I are going apple picking with Drew's preschool on Friday. I can't say I'm sorry for this summer to get on out the door. It really wasn't one of our best.

What's new with everyone else? I've been trying to read blogs but commenting has gone out the window these days. Usually the kids are trying to kill each other when I'm trying to read, making coherent comments a thing of the past. I'll get back to everyone soon, I promise!

Somehow

Somehow I survived a very long summer with four kids, a herniated disc and either torrential downpours or overwhelming heat and humidity.

Somehow I managed to smile most days, read some books, do eleventy bazillion loads of laundry and weed my garden.

Somehow we survived a long trip to Pennsylvania and awesome visits with friends.

Somehow I woke up this morning and realized that my little girl was going to third grade today and I was both thrilled and terrified at the prospect.

Somehow knowing all this means it's all going to be ok.

Unknown

I am not a huge fan of "winging it". That doesn't mean that I don't do it, but rather that given the choice, I'd like to be well prepared for just about anything. Some days I'll take just being slightly prepared, but you get what I mean. I like knowing where I am supposed to be, when I'm supposed to be there, and what I need to bring with me. I'm not a Type A personality for nothing!

I haven't really spoken about my health issues since I was diagnosed a couple of weeks ago. Along with one herniated disc and two other angry discs, the official diagnosis is arthritis in my neck. My cervical spine is straight instead of curved. I have spent almost the entire last month on some sort of medicine~muscle relaxants, seriously strong pain meds, and finally steroids~in hopes that I'll feel better. I do feel better. But here's the thing~today is the first day since July 27th that I haven't taken any sort of medicine. I took my last steroid yesterday. I have no idea how long the effects of it will last and how I'll feel when it wears off. I don't like the unknown. I don't know what the next step is going to be in my recovery. It makes me twitch to think about it.

I've started physical therapy. It's interesting. I have muscle loss in my arm. I've been put in traction once and am going to be having it again tomorrow. It will be the first session when I'm not under the influence of some sort of medicine. Part of me is extremely nervous as to how my body will react and part of me is hoping that not being on the meds will give me a better idea of whether it's working. But it was disconcerting that the first thing my therapist asked was why surgery wasn't an option for me. Was she implying that no matter what she does I'll end up having surgery? Or was she just surprised that I was willing to try other options?

I go back to the spine specialist next week. I have no idea what she's looking for during that appointment. Will I need another MRI or another some other scan to determine if my disc is still herniated? There are too many unknowns in all of this. I want to be able to plan and prepare and I just can't. Relinquishing control is not my forte but I guess I don't have a choice. I'll take it one day at a time; it's all I can do.

I get by with a little help from my friends

I often lament to Doug that I hate living so far away from my friends. I left Maine to get away and spent seven years making new friends in New York and Boston, only to return to Maine to settle down and raise a family. It was especially hard leaving my college friends; there are some I haven't seen in 15 years. But everyone makes their choices and friendships either thrive or fade away.

Writing this blog for the last year and half has changed how I view friendships. While I may not always throw out everything that is going on in my life onto my blog, I can email those people who I hold close to me and vent/chat/commiserate. I trust that I can tell them what's going on without judgment. They aren't just people who leave a note on my blog; they are true friends.

Today my phone rang and because it was loud and insane here, I let it go to the machine. I was surprised to hear Cass's voice on my machine. When things settled down I dropped her a note and my phone rang almost instantly. She made me promise not to hate her and asked if I had left an Anonymous comment on AndreAnna's blog today. I said no but that I had just read the latest post but none of the comments yet. So I read the anonymous comment. It was sad and scary and I could totally see why she could have thought it was me. She was concerned enough to track Doug down (you need to be a PI Cass!) to make sure that he didn't think it was me either. Then I emailed AndreAnna to let her know that I didn't leave the comment. I think I heard her sigh with relief all the way from the Jersey shore.

I am truly blessed with wonderful friends. Friends concerned enough with my health and well-being to make sure that I'm not putting up a front on my blog about how I'm doing. Friends who would be willing to get in their cars and drive for hours to help me if I needed help. Cass's phone call really showed me that friendship can span miles, years, even the internet. There is something truly comforting in knowing that.

Open Letters

Here is my latest installment of open letters to my children. These will not make you all warm and fuzzy, but you may nod in agreement at times.

Dear Darling Eldest Daughter:

School starts soon. Please get a grip on your emotions. I cannot guarantee that you will like every child in your class. I know it's a new school with new kids. That is why we're going on the school tour and dragging the whole family to the insane event called the "ice cream social" next week. If you keep up with your crappy attitude toward me we'll never get your school supplies and you can damn well be sure that I'll not be getting you a Hannah Montana folder. You'll get boring old pink.

Love, your tired Mama

Dear Darling Son:

School starts soon, but not soon enough. You have to stop your 4 year old bullshit act of crying at EVERY.THING.I.SAY.TO.YOU. You cry if we ask your name, if we ask you to move, if we tell you to go eat. Cut the crap. It's annoying and doesn't get you very far now does it? Oh, and please stop telling me to "sshhh" with your finger up by your mouth. I am your Mama and you don't do that to me. You're lucky I haven't locked you in a trunk and sent you to Kazakhstan.

Love, your tired Mama

Dear Darling Twins:

Stop hitting/pinching/screaming/fighting over every single toy we own. Because there are two of you, we have two of just about every toy for you. Figure that out please. Izzie, that high pitched scream that you start with the minute you wake up annoys the ever loving crap out of me and it must be stopped. Otherwise you're ending up with your brother in the trunk. Annie, please stop with the gigantic crocodile tears every time someone looks at you/breathes near you/says hi to you. It's just plain tiring.

Love, your tired Mama

BONUS LETTER

Dear Kristin:

Your body is crap right now. You are tired. You are irritable. Try so very hard not to yell at your children. You know that the medicine is making you irritable so try, try, try to keep it together. The children are worried about your health. Yes, you look smokin' hot in your hot pink Kiniseo tape on your neck and you know it. Don't flaunt it too much. Take deep breaths. School starts soon. The temps will drop below 90 here in a day or so. Life will get back into balance soon. Things will work themselves out.

Love, me