Thursday, August 21, 2008

That's what blogs are for, right?

First off, I know that Jill over at Charming and Delightful tagged me for a meme, and I will get to it, I promise. I just couldn't do two memes in a row.

I have been sick for a week. A nasty, lousy cold that has had me down and out. Which really stinks when my husband is on vacation. I've managed to get up and about and we've done a few things, but I'm still feeling pretty rotten. I wish it would up and go away now, ok, thanks.

It has occurred to me this week that I am not particularly happy these days. I am not enjoying my children like I should. Taking them places stresses me out, the amount of messes they make stresses me out, and I am just generally bitchy all the time. I do not want to feel this way all the time. I am inwardly FREAKING OUT over my husband being gone for 3 full days next week, because I am most certain that I will blow a gasket while he's gone. The twins are a royal handful these days; there is no way to contain them short of putting them in their cribs or high chairs. And while having them in bed all day might solve some of my stress, I'm pretty certain that is downright bad parenting. Bad I tell you. And Meg and Drew. Those two make me lose my shit at least once an hour. Drew is Megan's punching bag (and if I interfere, so am I); he is currently sporting a bruise on his right cheek from her throwing him to the floor, as well as a mark under his right eye from her smacking him in the car today. The spend the majority of their days screeching at each other and playing nicely together does not last long. With no husband to come home at lunch and soothe my nerves, and no husband to come home at night and tell me it's ok, I may certainly go bonkers. I would love to say that this is a relatively new phenomenon, but it isn't and I see no end in sight. I do not have any control in my house at all. I make rules, and they are mocked. I dole out punishments, and the same behavior happens again, almost immediately. In short, things here really blow and I'm so very tired of dealing with it.

There. I said it. I'm unhappy. I guess that doesn't really make me a good mom or wife, now does it? I'd love for it to go away, but it isn't going away. I haven't wanted to blog about it, because really who wants to hear me whine, even if it is my blog. Gah.

Anyway, I fried myself at the lake today. I sun screened everyone before we left, but forgot to pack it to do myself once we got there. I'm sure I'll be paying for it later.

And our Black Mamba is STILL living under our front porch. A call to the Inland Fisheries and Wildlife Department confirmed what we already knew~leave it alone and educate the kids about it. It's baby time for the snakes, so we may have snake babies before too long. Oh lucky me (if you missed the story about the Black Mamba, go here).

Someone stole our road sign. A sign that we paid for. A sign on a very large metal post. They stole the post too. Bastards. Considering that we cannot be found on Mapquest or Google Maps because we are a private road, it makes getting people here just that much more difficult now. Bastards.

I just re-read my blog and despite the fact that I want to delete this post, I'm not going to. Instead, I'm going to find some tissues and blow my nose for the zillionth time today and rest my weary head.


Tulip and Turnip said...

Let it out, sister. What you are feeling is completely least I hope it is, because on most days it's exactly the way I feel. Being a stay-at-home mom is THE HARDEST JOB EVER. And your twins are at a crazy age right now; I know, because I'm there too. They want to be into everything, and they are very mobile, but they don't know their limits yet. That makes it damn near impossible to even take them out of the house. If you had ONE of them, piece of cake; but with two they want to go in different directions. Impossible, I tell you!

As guilty and upset as I feel about going back to work, there is a small part of me that feels, well, relieved. And feeling relieved makes me feel guilty all over again. You can't win!

Here's hoping that you find a peaceful moment in your day. At the end of the day, if you can remember just one good moment, I would call that day a success!!!

AndreAnna said...

Yes, this is what blogs are for.

I can't even imagine having four of them in the house, without a break at the end of the day.

Hang in there.

November is right around the corner.

Astarte said...

Megan, especially, and Drew are old enough to know better, so I see nothing wrong with putting them in their rooms for as long as it takes to remind them exactly who is in charge around there. Last summer, my two were their exact ages, and I thought I was going to KILL THEM because they were acting the same way your two are. Seriously, I hated being with them both, and they hated each other, and it was terrible. I finally realized that they just needed some time apart, and so this summer I planned playdates all the time and sent them to camp on opposing weeks. It helped. A LOT.

So, here's what I would do: send Megan away for a playdate, preferably a sleepover, but if you can't manage that, at least get her out of the house for most of a day, maybe two if you can swing getting her invited to two friends' houses in a row. Tell the mothers that you'll be alone with all four, and moms will probably line up around the block to help.

Then, have a friend over for Drew. I know, it sounds weird, but that will get him out of your hair, too. Give him and his friend some playdoh, or cookie dough, and they'll be fine for awhile. Get them a video and make some popcorn, and you'll get 90min.

This will leave you with the twins. Not great, I know, but at least it's better. Right? And for them, there's always Benadryl.

Another thing I have found helpful in the past is resetting my own brain. I find that the kids get into a rut, and then I get into a rut, too, and then we're all in the mud, rutting around like pigs. If I can grit my teeth and force myself to have a different mindset, like pretend we're all on vacation for the day or something, do something totally different, like have everyone help make cookies, and make myself be really silly and jolly rather than tensely expecting trouble, sometimes the kids pick up on that and act differently, too. I think that our expecting trouble contributes to its happening, while our acting like trouble is the farthest thing from our minds derails it somewhat.

Of course, none of this is feasible if you're still sick. In that case, Benadryl all around. Well, maybe not for Megan, since you'll need someone to wipe the drool off of everyone else's faces.

creative kerfuffle said...

ok, i'm sending you a big virtual hug because you deserve it. i can't identify w/ the twins deal but the older two fighting--i'm right there w/ you. mine aren't physical w/ each other any more (well, most of the time the girl isn't) but they fight.all.the.damn.time. it drives me bat shit. i wonder when there will ever be peace in my house again. do not feel guilty--everything you are feeling we have all felt or are feeling about our kids. and, as amy said, though working outside the home gives you a little relief--the guilt makes up for it. it sucks. we can't win either way. we just have to get through day to day and believe that it will get easier. and it does. (sorry, didn't mean to hog up the comments!)
chin up--you're a good mom, even when you don't feel like you are!
(and good for you for letting it out on your blog!)

Mike said...

I'm with the previous commentors in saying you are AWESOME!!! One kid is enough!

Anyhoo...keep rocking, at least so we out in the blogoshere can keep reading about you!

Sammie-J said...

Kristin, I hope posting this blog made you feel better because it made me feel better because I know that I'm not crazy for feeling the exact same way lately. The thing is, is that I only have one kid and I'm not a SAHM, so maybe there's something wrong with me.

Well, hang in there. I think you are a strong, awesome, very good mother.

Saly said...

I love this post & you for saying all of this. My big kids have been out of control, causing me to feel crazy. I've felt like a horrible mama lately too. I think this is all pretty normal-although frustrating. Anyway, thanks for putting it all out there.

Jill said...

None of that makes you a bad wife or mom. It makes you human. Of course that helps you exactly, um, not at all, in solving your problems, but just know that it's not you. You're not alone. Is there anyone you can have come over and help out or keep you company next week while your hubby is gone? I do that from time to time when my Hubbz travels, and even if they bring along kids, just the fact that there's someone other than me to deflect and entertain is a huge help!

Michelle said...

Hey, if I can blog about getting my ass canned at work, you can blog about your kids driving you nuts. We all have those days where we just want to drive them all out to a field and leave them there (don't we?)

Are black mamba's poisonous?? I am having a hard time getting past the snake under your porch!

Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Kudos to the other comments...if you are a bad mother then we all are! I hope you feel better very, very soon.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like Super Nanny needs to pay a visit to Maine.

Cass. Just Curious said...

Just wanted to say that I'm thinking about you and hoping that feeling better kick starts a good week for you.

Unknown said...

Hang in there...

It's got to get better, right? Or at least it does after your hubby gets back. ;)

Thia said...

I'm coming late to this post, but I hope things are calmer. And that you have had the chance to get some really good chocolate or some really good wine...or heck, both!