Thursday, July 17, 2008

Wanna Get Personal?

I don't talk about stuff that is too personal on this blog. I rant and rave about my life as a stay at home mom, sometimes I complain about my husband, but that's about all. If you want to see what I look like, then you have to take a trip over to Life After Baby as that is the first place I've posted my picture. Like the haircolor? I love it. Too bad I have to wait until November to get it done again; it will bleach out in the sun and that is a total waste of $65.

I have spoken a bit about being a lawyer. I hated it. Which is a pisser, since I owe LOTS of money in student loans. At one point in time, my student loan payments were larger than the mortgage payments on my home. How ridiculous is that? I borrowed all that money for what? It still bothers me that I did that to myself.

And money. I don't often talk about money. Mostly because money issues suck. I own two homes, not by choice, so I pay two mortgages. We own two vehicles with loan payments. We cannot go down to one car, as Doug is on the road quite often, and I cannot be stuck at home without a car in case of emergencies. But money is a huge stressor in my life, as I'm sure it is for most people. Our 10th wedding anniversary is in two months, and I wanted to do something special, as a family. So, I thought that taking a short trip to Disney would be great fun for us and the kids. We went on our honeymoon there, so how great would that be to take the kids and show them around. Annie and Izzie would fly for free (until they turn two, that is) and for the most part, our big costs would be for us and Meg, as the other kids cost quite a bit less. But even with those benefits, it's still too expensive for us to go. And I'm angry about that, because once January rolls around and the twins are two, the costs skyrocket because they both require seats on the plane, and that basically puts Disney on the backburner until the kids are much older. I'm not angry with Doug because he doesn't make more money, don't get me wrong. He works hard at his job and puts in long hours (10 in the office, then also at home every night as well) and he gets a nice paycheck. I'm angry that our costs of living are such that we can't afford to do something nice like that as a family just this once. This post isn't going political, because I don't think you'll ever read a post like that from me. I just wish things were different for us.

I will fully admit that I don't take enough time for myself. Yes, I blog, but I sneak that in during the twins' nap and if I give the older kids tv time, or after everyone is in bed. I scrapbook, but usually only on Friday nights. I don't often get out by myself, because with such a large family, there isn't the time for that. I know I need to do those things for myself, and maybe that time will come as the twins get older and life in the house settles down. For now, I live mostly vicariously through all the blogs I read.

I don't know the exact vision I had for how my life would go; I don't always think ahead like that. Maybe, as my mom says, I wore some rose colored glasses when I thought of how my life would be. I certainly didn't think I'd actually have 4 kids, even though I wanted them. I also didn't think that there would be such a big gap in their births, but I had no control over that. I had hoped that I would be a calmer mother, but I am not. I am a high strung, impatient person. I think I had a little Pollyanna vision of how my kids would behave. It is in sharp contrast to reality and that bothers me (hence the Super Nanny list).

Life goes on and I try to adapt to the reality of how my life is turning out. Would I change things? Yes. Absolutely. Will I change things? I don't know. Maybe things will just iron themselves out as my children get older, and maybe I will be blessed with the ability to mellow out a little and enjoy the ride. Who the hell knows.


AndreAnna said...

We all have similar worries, esp. w/ money

K and J's mom said...

I worry too. I think it is inevitable unless you are REALLY wealthy. Heck, even Tori Spelling worries about money (my reality show confession)

CassJustCurious said...

I'm a worrier it's just in me to worry and money is on the top of the list of things to worry about. The hair color is fantastic and I can totally relate that it's frustrating to want that rich of a color and know that you can't really have it when it's nice and sunny outside.

Jess said...

These kinds of posts are my favorite. They get right to the heart of things. And can I just say ditto? I feel so many of those same things. And with a husband who just graduated from law school a year ago I can totally understand the frustration of overwhelming loans. I mean seriously? 150K for three years worth of school? Is this ridiculous to anyone but me? And he's not even practicing.

(And we haven't celebrated an anniversary since we got married. Only three years, but I'm totally with you. Money sucks. Or I guess the lack thereof rather...)

Thia said...

Saw the temper tantrum twitter...hope things get better over there. It's been one after the other over here too, for the past three days, I am ready to have one myself.

Dana said...

That's right... Get it all out. Blogs are supposed to be cathartic.

I'm with Jess. This type of post is what blogging is all about. The heart of the matter, the reality of life and families, YOU!

Glad the lawnmower was off........

Anonymous said...

I feel like you read my mind on the Disney trip. That is exactly my families problem also. How do all those other people do it?

Amy said...

Girl, I could have written this post today.

I nearly cry at the grocery store and the gas pump when I hand over my credit card.

Wish you lived closer so we could sit around and complain about having no lives together. I'm reading blogs at 10:40pm on a Saturday night. And it's my anniversary, for Pete's sake!

Creative Kerfuffle said...

ditto what everyone else has said. i think i'm a few years older than most of the blogs i read (40 next month) and my kids are older, 11 & 8 and these last 2 yrs we are JUST coming out of the omg money situations. we also had 2 mortgages for more than a yr and i swear i thought we were going to have to file bankruptcy and get a divorce. we survived. that's not to say that we're rolling in the dough by any means and we can't afford the disney vacay that i want either, and i look around and wonder how other people do it. maybe they just put it all on credit cards? we're just now coming out of that road to hell as well.
love the post, love that you could vent and just know, it REALLY DOES get better. i promise.

Astarte said...

I know exactly what you mean with money. We haven't gone on vacation in years. Every time it looks like maybe we can go, something happens and we have to use the money for that instead. Like, I was thrilled to not have to pay for preschool anymore, but now with gas prices and the staggering grocery bill it's just the same. I suppose I should be glad we have the extra former-prek cash, but it's difficult.

I do think, though, that this is something that every generation goes through. Our parents had the gas crisis and inflation in the 70s (at least we haven't had to wait in line for gas yet on top of having to bend over once we get there), their parents grew up in the depression and during the Wars, etc etc. So, I'm thinking that things will get better, just like they have all those other times. It just sucks now, though. And having your kids turn 2 so you'll have to pay for them will be a pain in the ass, but at least they'll be able to remember that they went, and you won't have to change diapers?

heather said...

I wish we lived closer, too. I am feeling so many of the things you are, but I just can't write about them on my blog. Too many of the "wrong" people read what I write. So I'm just going to say DITTO and send hugs your way.

Saly said...

1. I love your hair.
2. I love your hair.
3. I love your hair.

I think we all have the same worries. They're weighing on me more heavily now as our family expands. This was an amazing post; very well said.

I will be visiting the new site for inspiration and motivation for sure in the coming weeks.