Wanna Get Personal?

I don't talk about stuff that is too personal on this blog. I rant and rave about my life as a stay at home mom, sometimes I complain about my husband, but that's about all. If you want to see what I look like, then you have to take a trip over to Life After Baby as that is the first place I've posted my picture. Like the haircolor? I love it. Too bad I have to wait until November to get it done again; it will bleach out in the sun and that is a total waste of $65.

I have spoken a bit about being a lawyer. I hated it. Which is a pisser, since I owe LOTS of money in student loans. At one point in time, my student loan payments were larger than the mortgage payments on my home. How ridiculous is that? I borrowed all that money for what? It still bothers me that I did that to myself.

And money. I don't often talk about money. Mostly because money issues suck. I own two homes, not by choice, so I pay two mortgages. We own two vehicles with loan payments. We cannot go down to one car, as Doug is on the road quite often, and I cannot be stuck at home without a car in case of emergencies. But money is a huge stressor in my life, as I'm sure it is for most people. Our 10th wedding anniversary is in two months, and I wanted to do something special, as a family. So, I thought that taking a short trip to Disney would be great fun for us and the kids. We went on our honeymoon there, so how great would that be to take the kids and show them around. Annie and Izzie would fly for free (until they turn two, that is) and for the most part, our big costs would be for us and Meg, as the other kids cost quite a bit less. But even with those benefits, it's still too expensive for us to go. And I'm angry about that, because once January rolls around and the twins are two, the costs skyrocket because they both require seats on the plane, and that basically puts Disney on the backburner until the kids are much older. I'm not angry with Doug because he doesn't make more money, don't get me wrong. He works hard at his job and puts in long hours (10 in the office, then also at home every night as well) and he gets a nice paycheck. I'm angry that our costs of living are such that we can't afford to do something nice like that as a family just this once. This post isn't going political, because I don't think you'll ever read a post like that from me. I just wish things were different for us.

I will fully admit that I don't take enough time for myself. Yes, I blog, but I sneak that in during the twins' nap and if I give the older kids tv time, or after everyone is in bed. I scrapbook, but usually only on Friday nights. I don't often get out by myself, because with such a large family, there isn't the time for that. I know I need to do those things for myself, and maybe that time will come as the twins get older and life in the house settles down. For now, I live mostly vicariously through all the blogs I read.

I don't know the exact vision I had for how my life would go; I don't always think ahead like that. Maybe, as my mom says, I wore some rose colored glasses when I thought of how my life would be. I certainly didn't think I'd actually have 4 kids, even though I wanted them. I also didn't think that there would be such a big gap in their births, but I had no control over that. I had hoped that I would be a calmer mother, but I am not. I am a high strung, impatient person. I think I had a little Pollyanna vision of how my kids would behave. It is in sharp contrast to reality and that bothers me (hence the Super Nanny list).

Life goes on and I try to adapt to the reality of how my life is turning out. Would I change things? Yes. Absolutely. Will I change things? I don't know. Maybe things will just iron themselves out as my children get older, and maybe I will be blessed with the ability to mellow out a little and enjoy the ride. Who the hell knows.