Cravings

I don't crave that many things, really. But the cravings I have are intense. Like if I just got what I wanted for a bit, I would be so amazingly happy. I crave silence. With four children, silence is incredibly hard to come by. When they are all in bed at night, sleeping, I barely speak to my poor husband. I am just so tired from talking all day long. I yell at my kids to get them to listen, they scream when they don't get what they want. They yell to be heard over the noise of their siblings. The twins don't have enough words to use yet, so they squeal and fuss when they don't get what they want.

I crave order. A house full of people is quite disorderly. Shoes for all seasons, toys, books, stuffed animals are everywhere. Mail, bills, magazines all over the island make me crazy. I have places for things, but no time to put them where they belong. The pile of things to be shredded is almost as high as the shredder itself. Dishes to be put into the dishwasher that was just run are all over the counter.

I crave patience. I would be a different Kristin if I were patient. I would give anything to have even a sliver more patience than I have today. I try so hard to breathe deep and take my time with the kids. But without order and some silence, well patience is hard to come by.

I crave the ability to take time for myself without feeling guilty. I have years of scrapbooking to catch up on, but when I think of heading to my basement workshop, I feel like I'm taking time away from my husband, or my kids. When I go for coffee with a girlfriend, I make it quick so that I'm not away from my family too long. I just want to be able to do things and enjoy them.

Most of all I crave balance. I am a wife, mother, friend. Those three things don't balance out easily. The mother part of me takes up 99.99999% of my time, leaving very little time for the other parts of me. Maybe as the kids get older the balance will come. But right now life is completely out of balance and it is truly bothersome.