Thursday, September 4, 2008

Cravings

I don't crave that many things, really. But the cravings I have are intense. Like if I just got what I wanted for a bit, I would be so amazingly happy. I crave silence. With four children, silence is incredibly hard to come by. When they are all in bed at night, sleeping, I barely speak to my poor husband. I am just so tired from talking all day long. I yell at my kids to get them to listen, they scream when they don't get what they want. They yell to be heard over the noise of their siblings. The twins don't have enough words to use yet, so they squeal and fuss when they don't get what they want.

I crave order. A house full of people is quite disorderly. Shoes for all seasons, toys, books, stuffed animals are everywhere. Mail, bills, magazines all over the island make me crazy. I have places for things, but no time to put them where they belong. The pile of things to be shredded is almost as high as the shredder itself. Dishes to be put into the dishwasher that was just run are all over the counter.

I crave patience. I would be a different Kristin if I were patient. I would give anything to have even a sliver more patience than I have today. I try so hard to breathe deep and take my time with the kids. But without order and some silence, well patience is hard to come by.

I crave the ability to take time for myself without feeling guilty. I have years of scrapbooking to catch up on, but when I think of heading to my basement workshop, I feel like I'm taking time away from my husband, or my kids. When I go for coffee with a girlfriend, I make it quick so that I'm not away from my family too long. I just want to be able to do things and enjoy them.

Most of all I crave balance. I am a wife, mother, friend. Those three things don't balance out easily. The mother part of me takes up 99.99999% of my time, leaving very little time for the other parts of me. Maybe as the kids get older the balance will come. But right now life is completely out of balance and it is truly bothersome.

7 comments:

Saly said...

Yes, you've said it perfectly!!!

Mike said...

I think you need to have time for yourself. You may feel guilty, but in the end it makes you a better Mom/wife/friend. You HAVE to re-charge.

AndreAnna said...

Mike is right (must be the name since my husband thinks he's right all the time). You really do need to learn to walk away and not feel guilty about it.

I think it would make a world of difference for you.

And I'm with you on the order thing. I'm a much calmer person inside when the outside of my world is clean and orderly.

Astarte said...

I used to do the same thing. If it meant that I was away when DH would be getting home from work, I wouldn't take the kids wherever it was. I didn't do any projects of my own, or if I did I rushed through them, so they looked shoddy, and then I was frustrated that I didn't have enough time and when I actually made the time it wasn't good enough. About a year ago I stopped doing that, and it's made a world of difference. Really, all I did was just start reading again. No one expired. So, I moved on and did a few other things. I walk the dogs each evening by myself while DH gets Patrick ready for bed and Josie takes a shower. It's nice.

creative kerfuffle said...

you do need "me" time but i totally understand the guilt thing. i do the exact same thing. frankly, when i grow up i want to be astarte cos she really seems to have it altogether : )

Mommy Brain said...

Taking time for myself is one thing I have stopped feeling guilty about. I am a much better mom/wife if I've had some time to myself. Going out with my friends gives me the added bonus of strengthening my support network while also recharging.

I think the chaos increases exponentially by the number of people living under the same roof. We're living in chaos to the four power. I can only imagine to the 6th! I will say that flylady (www.flylady.net) has helped me a bit with the whole order thing. As for the shredding - send it into work with your DH or a friend who has a heavy duty shredder in their office.

I think your last point is the key. When you find balance; when you're not a mom 99.99% of the time; when you are Kristin first, then a wife, mother, friend; that is when the rest (patience, order) will fall into place.

(((hugs)))

Dana said...

You sound on the verge of collapse, Kristin. Don't feel guilty for taking some time for yourself away from the family. Once a year, my sisters-in-law and I take a weekend in the mountains. No men. No kids. They can deal for a weekend.