Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Open Letters (edited)

Dear State of Maine Lawmakers:

Please, for the love of cookies, do NOT cut the school day to a 4 day week to save money. Study hard before you make this decision. While I'm thrilled that you're not considering making a 4 day week mandatory, the whole idea is awful to a parent of a 2nd grader who loves going to school more than anything in the world. I can barely explain to her why she has to stay home on a snow day, let alone the thought of explaining to her that in these tough times, her beloved State wants to take away school from her. While she thinks that being home with me is awful, imagine those kids who'd have to spend a day in daycare if their parents could afford the cost, because the politicians have their heads up their ()$*#( and think that eliminating an entire day of school would make a huge difference. Think long and hard on this one State of Maine Lawmakers; I'll be watching you.

Sincerely, Mama to a 2nd grader

***

Dear Megan,

I am not a mean Mama. Creating rules and order in our house is not an attempt to piss you off; it's an attempt to stop all the yelling I have to do day in and day out because you DO NOT LISTEN to me. You are the oldest, and trust me, it's no fun, but when I ask you to set a good example for your brother and sisters, I mean it. I do not mean that you have to be perfect, but I would love, love, love for you to do ONE DAMN thing that I ask of you and do it consistently. You're going to be 8 years old in a few days, and it's about time that you stop telling me that you "don't know why" you always act up and get it together kiddo. You're so well behaved in school, but when you get home you ignore me and Dad, and you run up and down the halls, you yell, you throw toys. This is NOT the behavior of an 8 year old; this is how Annie and Izzie act. Trust me, I do NOT enjoy parenting 4 kids who act like they're all 2. I would rather eat razors than yell all the time, so please stop acting up and be good.

Love, your very tired and frazzled Mama

***

Dear Annie and Izzie,

Where to begin? First and foremost, the gates that keep you off the stairs and out of the computer room are there for a REASON. They are not there for you to push aside in order to get into said computer room or up said stairs; frankly, we've had enough broken bones for a lifetime and I don't want you getting hurt. Secondly, throwing toys is NOT an acceptable form of play. I don't think I need to explain that any further, do I? Third, and most important, is that we have an established naptime for a reason. Please use that time wisely, instead of stripping off your clothes and/or diapers, throwing your blankets and stuffed friends out of bed, and NAP for crying out loud. This "let's take an hour and a half of settling down before we nap for maybe an hour" is turning your once loving Mama into a crazy woman. Cut the crap.

Love, your very tired and frazzled Mama

***

Dear Drew,

Thank you for helping me with the laundry. As I type, you're sweeping the kitchen just because. And I appreciate that so much. But please, clean up your room so I don't kill myself on a car/Batman/pirate/book/stuffed friend. And please stop picking up the cats while they're sleeping. The constant scratches on your face/hands/arms are a sure sign that they don't like it. While you're at it, stop fighting with Megan. I know you love her more than the moon and stars, so instead of antagonizing her, go read a book or color or PICK UP YOUR ROOM.

Love, your very tired and frazzled Mama

***

Dear Mother Nature,

Are you fricking kidding me? Another storm? With another foot or more of snow? Get over yourself. Yes, we all know that it's winter and you love to make snow. But come on and give me a break. Paying my plow guy is going to break the bank again this winter.

Sincerely, Kristin

****

Dear Doug,

If it snows tomorrow, please consider working from home (see above letter). I am almost certain that one more day with all four children stuck inside will send me over the edge. Need I say more?

Love, your very tired and frazzled wife

***
(Edit)
Dear American Girl,

Why on this great earth should I pay an extra $19.95 for quicker shipping? Are you kidding me? All I want is my kid's birthday present from her grandparents to arrive by Friday. I should not have to pay $19.95 extra for that. And if you're going to send out my product at $7.95 shipping and allow me to track it on UPS, please give a delivery date, ok?

Sincerely, Mama to a soon-to-be-sad birthday girl if her present isn't here on time

5 comments:

AndreAnna said...

Can you ship vodka?

creative kerfuffle said...

i love these letters and the one about picking up your room? both of my hellions need to read that one. the thing that baffles me is basically they SLEEP in their rooms and yet they are in a constant state of mess. even after they clean them. i don't get it. and for real the state is thinking of cutting back to 4 days of school? WTF? aside from the kids being home w/ you one more day they're getting ripped off in the education department? how can they do that? i'm stunned.
and? thanks for not leaving me : )

LoriD said...

That 4-day week would have me shooting daggers. All the school holidays piss me off... do they really think kids need LESS school?

Samantha said...

What a great post! And this whole school consolidation and school changes....What the F are they thinking? They barely make it through the year with the allotted number of snow days. I'm with you on this one was well Kristin.

Amy said...

Is it okay that I laughed when I read this? Because being tired and frazzled isn't funny, but I'm laughing because I can empathize!

You need a spa day or something, lady. Can you pencil that in?!?! ;)